After writing my last post, I was completely humbled by the response I received. Multiple women reached out to me and also shared their stories of experiencing the loss of a child. I feel so humbled that so many women felt comfortable enough to open up with me about something so personal. To all the women who were touched by my blog, you are the reason why I wrote it. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, open up to me, and reach out to me. I really appreciate all the support and I will give all glory and honor to God. I wouldn’t be able to share my story the way I did with out His strength.
My last blog was more about the pain and loss I experience but I also feel the need to share with you what happened after my miscarriage. Life still goes on after death. Here’s the healing process after I lost my precious baby………….
As I previously stated, I miscarried on November 4th, 2015 and it took my body about two weeks to physically heal from it. My body was in pain, my hormones were off the wall, and I was a mother grieving the loss of her child. Being the busy person I am, I forced myself to go back to my normal routine. I went to football games, back to work, I went to church, practices, ran errands, etc. I forced myself, but I was not okay. I was exhausted all the time and was so uncomfortable. All I could think about was when I would be able to get pregnant again, so I began to research. I researched every detail about miscarriages, when you ovulate after a miscarriage, and how soon is the right time to get pregnant. I was so anxious to get pregnant again and carry another baby. From the research I collected, I assumed that I would not be able to get pregnant for another 3-4 months.
On November 16th, 2015, I ovulated. Which is less than 2 weeks after I miscarried.
On November 23rd, 2015, I went to my doctor for a follow up appointment to make sure that my body was healing correctly. As my doctor did my ultra sound, there was a tremendous about of joy that overwhelmed me. There was no baby on the screen, but God gave me joy; joy that I could not describe. I was confused about how much joy I had after seeing a screen that my baby should have been on. I should be angry, emotional, and upset, but God….. God gave me joy; an undeniable joy that could not be shaken. As my doctor finished my ultrasound she had the biggest smile and said, “Oh wow, you healed up perfectly. You’re a tough cookie. I can see you doing a natural birth.”
About 6 weeks after my miscarriage, I still had not started my period. A part of me thought I was pregnant, but I did not want to get my hopes up, so I tried to ignore it. I was terrified of taking a pregnancy test, seeing an ultrasound, and then being disappointed. But about 8 weeks after I miscarried, I still did not start my period so I took a pregnancy test. The test was positive. It was a very light line, but it came back positive. Again, I did not want to get my hopes up, so I didn’t make a huge deal out of it. As soon as I took the test, I called my husband and casually said, “Hey, I’m think I’m pregnant. The test was positive.” We were both very hesitant to show any emotions. I calculated that I was pregnant about 2 weeks after my miscarriage and assumed I was about 5 or 6 weeks pregnant but was not quite sure.
On December 30th, 2015, I experience a terrible pain between my shoulder blades. I was shaking, I could not breathe, could not move, and kept attempting to throw up. My husband and I were so scared; we had no idea what was going on with my body. The ambulance arrived and I made my way back to the ER. Coincidently, I was assigned the same room they put me in when I was going through my miscarriage. Terrible memories flashed through my mind as I lied in the bed in excruciating pain. I explained to each doctor and nurse all of my symptoms and assured them that it was an upper back pain. Of course, they did absolutely nothing. The doctors gave me Tylenol and sent me home with a doctor’s note stating that I had “low back pain.” By the time we made it home, it was about 2am. As soon as I lied down in bed, the symptoms came back and I was having another “episode.” And again, the next night, on New Years Eve, another “episode” happened. These episodes were no joke and lasted up to 45 minutes of excruciating pain, not being able to breathe, throwing up, and body chills. I was scared. I had no idea what was happening to my body, I thought I was pregnant so wasn’t sure how it would affect the baby, and I couldn’t keep any food down.
On Tuesday, January 5th, 2016, I was able to make an appointment with my OBGYN to figure out what the heck was going on inside me. I explained to her all of my symptoms and from what she collected, she predicted that I had gallstones. Gallstones are hardened deposits of digestive fluid. They are EXTREMELY painful and most women say it is worse than childbirth. But, just to be sure that it was gallstones; she referred me to a specialist for a clearer ultra sound. I then told my OB that I assumed to be about 7 weeks pregnant but wasn’t sure. I was very fearful of seeing that ultrasound screen. But before I knew it, an ittie bittie blueberry sized baby appeared on the screen. We were in shock and so many emotions were racing through our minds. My doctor said, “Looks like you’re about 8 & ½ weeks pregnant. Due August 11th 2016.” Immediately, that fear that I felt before the ultrasound disappeared. Fear was no longer controlling my thoughts of loosing another baby. But joy came again and completely overwhelmed me. Joy that can never be described. Joy that only comes from the Lord.
After going to a specialist, it was confirmed that I have gallstones and cannot have surgery until after I give birth. My first trimester was extremely tough due to the gallstones, combined with morning sickness. I wasn’t able to eat much because my body was not taking anything down. I ended up loosing about 17lbs from being so sick in my first trimester. I was on bed rest for about a week.
But here’s where the miracle is……………..
I ovulated on November 16th, 2015. According to my calendar from my ovulation date, I should be 18 & ½ weeks pregnant today, March 23, 2016.
BUT, today, March 23, 2016, I AM 20 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!
How is that even possible?!?!?!?! BY THE GRACE OF GOD. God gave me a miracle. I shouldn’t be this far along in my pregnancy, but God. There no way to scientifically describe why or how I am this far along in my pregnancy, other than God gave me a miracle. I am completely in awe and my brain cannot physically wrap around how this even happened, but God. God gave me a miracle when I least expected it. I feel so humbled that my God is so good to me to give me this baby and allow me to carry it as long as I have. From my personal experience, pregnancy after a miscarriage is a completely different experience and a different set of emotions. Every day as I look down at my belly, I am emotional and forever in debt to my God. It’s amazing every day to realize that I am still carrying my sweet precious miracle baby boy. My son has been so active and kicking in my belly, which is my daily reminder of God’s grace and the miracle He gave me. My son is a miracle; he’s my miracle. I don’t care about the pain of the gallstones I went through or the morning sickness I dealt with. I don’t care that when people tell me, “You think you’re tired now, just wait until baby gets here,” or “Just wait until you’re big, you won’t be able to do much.” I don’t care about those things, because I don’t mind going through the pain, discomfort, and body changes. My son is worth it, and I would do it all again for him. He’s my miracle baby; I’d do anything for him.
Don’t get me wrong; none of this has been easy. I’ve really learned how to fight. Fight against what the enemy wants from me; my joy. My joy comes from the Lord, and the enemy is not stealing that away from me. Mommas, we need to fight for our families. The enemy wants our children, the enemy wants to steal our joy, the enemy wants to tell us it’s not possible for a healthy pregnancy after a miscarriage; BUT GOD. Our children are a pure gift from God, and the enemy has NO room in my family to take that away from me. The enemy will not tell me that my baby won’t deliver full term, the enemy will not tell me that my baby isn’t healthy, the enemy will not tell me that I will not be able to carry a child this far. This is no joke, we need to fight and go to war for our families. As mommas we need to pray like we’ve never prayed before. We need to pray for every detail over our pregnancy. Pray for our sweet babies about to enter this word. As mommas, we have the responsibility to protect our babies, love our babies unconditionally, and do whatever is takes to keep our babies safe. That’s our job. That’s what God has called us to do, be mothers.
So when people ask, “How did you get through this?” or “Are you fearful in this pregnancy because of what happened?” I didn’t get through this alone. The only way I survived what I went through was with God by my side. Fear does not control me anymore, and it feels SO good. I am confident in this pregnancy, because I know that at this very moment, God is knitting my precious baby boy in my womb. If you don’t believe in miracles, meet my son. He’s a living, breathing miracle baby. He’s A Miracle From Heaven……
"And so it was, that she, having waited long & endured patiently, realized and obtained what God had promised." Hebrews 6:15
“The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the JOY that’s coming.” Romans 8:18
“For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart.” 1 Samuel 1:27
“You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalms 139:13
“When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother’s womb, when I was growing there in secret, you know that I was there – you saw me before I was born.” Psalms 139:15
“I know you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born, I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:5
Lots of Lovin'
Brooke