1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. There’s a 4.2% chance of a miscarriage happening after hearing the heartbeat and in the 7th week of pregnancy.
October 5th, 2015 – It was a Monday morning and Chris was at work. We knew from the very day we conceived, that we were pregnant; I just wanted a little more confirmation. I missed my period, but again, I wanted more confirmation. So that day, I made a trip to Wal-Mart for a pregnancy test. I bought 4…. just in case. I rushed home, peed, and waited the longest 2 minutes of my life. TWO LINES! I’M PREGNANT! But just to make sure, I took 1 more test. Yet again… TWO LINES!!
I was freaking out but wanted to keep it a surprise until Chris got home from work. I made another trip to the store to buy the book, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, a jar of Prego sauce, a card that said “Baby Daddy” on the envelope, and of course a selfie of me holding the pregnancy test.
Later that day, I received a message from Chris saying that he would be home late from work and then I had cheerleading practice, so I figured I wouldn’t be able to see him until about 9:30 that night. I sat there anxiously waiting for him and completely bummed that I wouldn’t get to see him till late that night.
But around 5:45pm, the front door opens, and Chris is home. I couldn’t hold it in long enough for him to find the surprise himself, so I just shouted, “Go look in the bathroom!” As soon as those words came out of my mouth, he knew what he was going to see. He turned on the lights and saw all the little surprises I set up for him along with 2 confirmed pregnancy test. He immediately burst into tears of excitement and said, “I can’t believe I’m going to be a Dad.” We obnoxiously smiled, giggled, and talked about what our baby would be like. This was something we’ve always prayed for and we were so excited that the day was finally here.
Of course my excitement is always over board. So as a very exciting Mom to Be, I began to research like crazy. I researched pregnancy symptoms, pregnancy diets, pregnancy health, and of course maternity clothes. I even bought a shirt with Mickey Mouse ears that said, “New Ears Arriving in June 2016.” I downloaded every pregnancy app. and always wanted to be updated on what my baby was growing that week.
October 19th, 2015 – 5 & ½ weeks pregnant and so excited for the doctors to confirm our pregnancy. The doctor did the ultra sound and confirmed that we were pregnant. She estimated that we were 5 & ½ weeks and due June 2016, but could not hear a heartbeat because our baby was too tiny. She printed out our ultra sound picture of our precious baby the size of a lentil bean.
October 30th, 2015 – I was at my football game in Watsonville against Monte Vista Christian High School (side note – for those who don’t know, I’ve been a high school cheerleading coach the past 5 years.). My back was cramping but assumed that it was due to the cold weather. I made my way to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I was worried, but not too worried. I sent Chris a text message to research it for me because I didn’t want anyone to “accidently” see my phone. He sent me a screenshot of what he researched and it said that it was common in early pregnancy due to the implantation.
October 31st & November 1st, 2015 – Chris and I made a spontaneous trip to Yosemite. We drove to the top of the Mountain, completely in awe of what God has created. We had so much fun, took lots of pictures, and enjoyed a weekend of relaxation. I was still spotting and cramping. I didn’t think too much of it. I tried to ignore it because the word was haunting me.
November 2nd, 2015 – We had a follow up doctor’s appointment. This appointment was very important because we knew that we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat this day. As we arrived at the doctor, we told her about the spotting. She said it is not normal, but it is common. She told us that she had patiences' spot throughout their entire pregnancy, but again it is not normal. This gave us a little comfort and we continued to believe that our baby was perfectly healthy. As our doctor started the ultra sound, we immediately heard the heartbeat. We saw our little blueberry sized baby on the screen and watched their heartbeat. That exact moment is so hard to describe. I couldn’t get over how something so little could be so perfect. It was love at first sight. The sound of the heartbeat continued to replay in my mind all day long. I was so happy that our baby was healthy and had a perfect beating heart.
November 4th, 2015 – 7 & ½ weeks pregnant. I woke up around 4am with terrible abdominal cramping. I immediately knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and the spotting was no longer brown, but it was red.
As I lay next to my peacefully sleeping husband, I was terrified to wake him up. I knew exactly what was happening. I feared that he would have to witness me go through this. I feared telling him that I’m bleeding and that I’m loosing our baby, his baby, my baby. I feared waking up my peaceful sleeping husband to pure chaos.
Instead of waking him up, I continued to lay there and pray. I prayed like I never have before. Asking God to not take my baby, to take away my pain, and for my baby to be healthy. I rolled around through the pain and cried out to God for a miracle. I begged God for my baby. I was in complete denial of exactly what was happening.
Finally, I gently decided to wake Chris up and tell him that I was bleeding and in excruciating pain. He was calm and half asleep, but he asked me what I wanted to do. I was panicking and couldn’t make up my mind. I didn’t want to face my fears. I wasn’t ready to face my fears. Chris finally got up and said, “We're going to the hospital.” But again, in denial of my biggest fear, I stopped him and decided to go to the bathroom one last time.
As I made my way to the bathroom, it began to get worse. I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom without staining my pants. As soon as I sat down, it all came rushing out.
My heart sank down to the floor and I became numb. In this very moment, I was loosing my precious baby. I cried, and cried, and cried. I cried so loud and so hard like I never have before. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My body and heart were in so much pain. Chris knocked on the door as he heard my cry but I didn’t have the strength to open it. He was able to unlock the bathroom door and held me as I sat on the toilet, bleeding, and crying. I couldn’t stop the bleeding, crying or pain. Nothing could stop it. I was in the process of losing my baby and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.
About an hour goes by and I finally am able to get dressed and go to the ER. Chris called my mom and she came over as soon as possible. I was silent, I was in denial of what was happening, and I was angry at the world. Of course the ER not only takes forever, but also had a million questions for me to answer. I asked the front desk to use the restroom because I knew more blood was coming & she had the nerve to tell me, “No, they might want a sample.”
A SAMPLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Lady, I'm bleeding and losing my baby. I don't care about your stupid uring sample!
Finally made it out of the front office and to the nurse who had to document all of my symptoms. He was an older man who was obviously uncomfortable reporting that a 22 year old previously pregnant lady can’t stop bleeding out of her vagina. The nurse assigned me to a room with a very kind and gentle doctor. She ran blood test and explained all the possibilities. The doctor did an ultra sound on my stomach and said that my uterus is NOT empty, which could signify that the baby is still in there. She said that heavy bleeding does happen to some women and they have a healthy pregnancy, but other women miscarry after heavy bleeding. She also said that my cervix was closed, which was a good sign. This gave me hope. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle. My “kind and gentle” doctor left with no goodbye since she was at the end of her shift, and a male doctor came in with my blood results. He was an older man and said that my pregnancy levels are extremely low and that I am miscarrying. He was very blunt, had no emotion, and was very straight forward. I was furious of course, and continued to believe in a miracle.
As Chris and I made our way out of the hospital, tears came streaming down my face and I realized that I was miscarrying. There was no denying that the pain. The symptoms were all a sign of a miscarriage. We got home, were still in shock, and just completely exhausted. We lied down, surprisingly fell asleep, and God gave us the rest we needed.
I was able to get an appointment with my OBGYN later that day. The car ride there was dead silent. I was at a loss for words and there was no conversation that Chris and I even felt like having. As we arrived at the doctors, of course pregnant people were everywhere. Baby magazines, baby growth posters, and of course those pregnant moms that dress so tacky and don’t know how to Bump. We walked into the room and waited anxiously for the doctor to come see us. Even our doctor knew something was wrong and as soon as she walked in she said with her thick Russian accent said, “Guys what’s going on?” We explained what happened, she measured my cervix and said it was closed, and then she began the vaginal ultra sound. The screen was black and white. Plain black and white. No baby, no heartbeat, NOTHING. It was confirmed yet again, our baby is gone. The doctor was very kind, gentle, and compassionate. She explained our options on how to proceed with the “process” and we decided to let my body take its course and happen naturally.
November 2015 - Usually after a loss, life becomes a complete blur. But for some reason, I remember so much. I remember my sweet husband trying to hold it together and be strong for the both of us. I remember my mom being at my house every single day, cleaning, cooking, bringing me flowers, and coffee. I remember my sister coming over to cuddle in bed with me and make me laugh. I remember my in-laws bringing me food, comfy clothes, and always making sure Chris was fed. I remember feeling so loved by my family. Phone calls with my sister in-law who just loved on me cause she knew exactly what I was going through.
Two days after I miscarried, my team had a football game and I still had to carry on with life. It was Senior Night, so was a very important night that I knew I couldn’t miss. In excruciating pain, I made my way to that very cold game. I was silent, didn’t say much to my team, and congratulated all my seniors on their success. The next day my mom and sister were speaking at a conference, so again in excruciating pain, I went. I tried to stay low key at the conference and didn’t want to see anyone. No one had any idea that I miscarried 3 days ago. I stayed near my mom and felt protected. Staying low key didn’t work out so well. I had a family friend some how spot me out and was very generous making casual conversation. The family friend asked why I wasn’t at the conference the day before because my mom told her I wasn’t feeling good, and the family friend joked about how she thought I was pregnant……. AWKWARD. I immediately broke down in tears. I was broken. Completely broken, but now publicly broken.
About a week after I miscarried, I decided to post about it on social medial. NOT for attention, sympathy, or any other stupid reason. I simply posted it for myself. Writing about it helped me grieve and there may be someone out there who went through the same thing and needed to read my post. Immediately after I posted it, the love from my friends and families overflowed. It was very touching to see people reach out to me via Instagram, Facebook, text messages, and even voicemails. I felt very loved by people who were close to me and even people who I haven’t talked to in years.
Although posting about my miscarriage on social media showered me with love and support from so many people, it also began to hurt me. I noticed that I had some family that didn’t even reach out to me at all. Then there were those comments of. “You’ll be a great mom someday,” “When the timing is right, it will happen…” “I know someone else who went through a miscarriage,” “Listen to this song about loss and death,” “Everything happens for a reason, God knows what He’s doing,” or there were those rumors I heard saying, “Why do you think she got married so quickly after her engagement, obviously cause she’s pregnant.” Most people don’t think of miscarriages as losing your baby or suffering the death of your child. My baby might have only been 7 weeks old, but my baby had a heartbeat. My baby was the size of a blueberry. And my baby was and still is recognized as a human being. The word miscarriage is just a scientific word. If we’re being honest, my child died. I am the mother of that baby no matter what.
From a person who has experienced a miscarriage first hand, the best thing to say is nothing at all. It’s awkward when someone is experiencing loss. There’s nothing that anyone will say to make you feel better. Death, loss, and grief suck. Let’s just be real, it's so terrible and not something anyone wants to go through. But there is no way I could've done this on my own without God - it would truly be impossible. God is not to blame for my pain in this word, but He is the one to glorify for walking before me and beside me through the pain in this world. God did not take my baby from me; my baby was His to begin with. I will never know why I couldn't carry my baby and raise my baby, but I will always know that God makes all things work together for our good.
He says, "WHEN you go through the deep waters, I WILL be with you. WHEN you go through rivers of difficulty, you WILL NOT drown. WHEN you walk through the fire of oppression, you WILL NOT be burned up; the flames WILL NOT consume you." Isaiah 43:2
"Come to me, all who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, I WILL GIVE YOU REST." Matthew 11:28
My God is a God who restores, makes all things new, and He cares for me. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I became pregnant just 2 weeks after I miscarried. GOD GAVE ME THE MIRACLE I WAS CRYING OUT FOR. How did I get pregnant only 2 weeks after I miscarried? BY GOD & GOD ALONE. It is a complete miracle that I am pregnant. Through my pain, my suffering, and my loss, God was always there. He never left me. He sat right by my side, like a comforting Father. He loved on me. He understood me. He held me when I cried. He heard my prayers… and He gave me a miracle………..
Mason Christopher Urtiz – due August 2016
Lots of Lovin'
Brooke